People often confuse the marriage that they make with their partner to be married to one another “through sickness and health, life and death” with the right to have a life and live in freedom from the fear of being harmed or killed by their own spouse. While God may intend us to do everything in our powers to keep a marriage unit and family unit together, the vows can end when the abusive party threatens to do harm to the other – even kill; after all, if they are threaten to kill, they are violating one of the Ten Commandments that we all strive to live by, especially the one stating “Thou shalt not kill”.
To say that one hasn’t actually committed the crime is merely splitting hairs. One that is crazed enough to say such things, even just putting fear into another, should never be taken lightly and every preparation to protect yourself from the abusive party, along with the children, should be taken.
Pastors have a heavy weight upon them in trying to mentor these families based upon shaky foundations in keeping the family unit together and allowing them to say that it is okay to accept that it might be okay to break up this sanctified marriage in light of the safety issues underlying in their marriage held together with fear, deceit, emotional turmoil, and physical harm.
Some faiths do not believe in divorces and believe that a couple/family should stay together through the thick and thin of it all. To have this added pressure on the couple/family when the couple/family is going through much more than a mere squabble of differences of opinions is so much more than anyone can often bear.
I went to an Emmaus walk to try to work through this personal struggle, especially when my then husband was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Just because he was “sick” with his bipolar disorder, does this also mean that we must go through a roller coaster ride and I accept his threats to kill me and “the only way you are going to leave this house is on a gurney”?? At what point in time do you decipher between sticking “through sickness and health” and seek safety.
I forget the Biblical reference the pastor speaking at our Emmaus walk gave me, but essentially she said that I am given the right to seek shelter from the storm and be safe rather than stick it out and risk having harm to come myself and/or my child. I was relieved when she told me this.
When I returned from my Emmaus walk, I took steps in motion to get us that safety from the storm; however, the pace of the rollercoaster ride was increasing. I was fearful that something was going to break soon. It did. He called his counselor and admitted that he was contemplating suicide. The counselor called 911 and help was sent to him. He then turned to me when I met him at the mental health facility and admitted that he should have been taking medication all along. I had the strength to tell him that I wish him well in his journey of recovery but I could no longer put myself and my child in the risk of future harm from him deciding to take matters in his own hands. He had made the choice of putting us in danger with his anger and not taking his medications; I had to now make the choice of making sure that wouldn’t happen to us again.
That was one of the hardest struggles that I have had to make a decision upon, which is why when I see organizations like the Faith Trust Institute coming along together and informing pastors about the whole gambit and the dynamics of the struggles behind folks involved in domestic violence situations, I am excited.
I am, therefore, excited too to see the publication produced about PASTORAL CARE FOR DOMESTIC VIOLENCE. I haven ‘t had the opportunity to read the publication yet; however, the mere fact that it is serving to inform the pastors more about domestic violence offers some degree of solace and hope — especially, for the hopes of a better tomorrow (hopefully, free from harm and domestic violence)!
